Boundaries: A Change in my Perspective

Boundaries is a great thing, but for me it has often left a negative taste in my mouth.

I’ve heard about boundaries in books, on Social Media, in podcasts… and sometimes, it sounds off-putting, self-centered, and devaluing of the other person. I’m left unsure how to reconcile the idea of boundaries with the character of love God wants for us. I think boundaries are a good thing, but how can I separate it from selfishness? 

A few weekends ago, I dialed in to one of my “coffee chats” as part of my Formational Prayer program’s requirements only to find that we would be discussing relationships and boundaries. I left so inspired by a new perspective around the topic that I had to write about it. 🙂 Boundaries have come up in a lot of different ways in the course of the program so far, but this weekend was the icing on the cake that opened my eyes to a greater understanding and a new perspective of the whole topic. 

As I watched a teaching video from Terry Wardle (in one of my courses), he simply states, “Boundaries are where you end and another begins.” This simple phrase made me think, “Oh, it’s not just that I’m setting a limit on myself because I feel stretched thin… It’s merely admitting humbly that I am limited and it’s living in truth with that reality. I’m not just setting a boundary because I am capable of doing XYZ but don’t want to; I’m setting a boundary because I know that I literally don’t have that capability and it’s not fair to myself or others to pretend that I do.” In short, boundaries is living in truth with how God made you.

^{Photo by Gary Butterfield on Unsplash}

That phrase from Terry Wardle planted a seed for how to shift my perspective on good, godly boundaries.

In the past, when I heard talk of setting boundaries, it came from voices of those who are burnt-out on people-pleasing, fed up with the demands of life and finally decided to say “no” in the name of loving themselves. Boundaries in this setting has felt like:

• Anger (I’m fed up with saying yes all the time! When is it my turn?!)
• Self-preservation (I’m in charge of protecting myself at the deepest level; I need to shut you out of my life otherwise you’re going to be the death of me.)
• Self-elevation (Even though you want me to do XYZ, I matter more than you do so I’m going to ignore your desires and listen to mine by saying no.)

While this angle of boundaries has an allure (as it promises freedom from demands and gives me a way to do more of what I want to do), I’ve personally wrestled with whether this approach to boundaries is really God-honoring. A lot of it seems to be rooted in pride, sounding like:

• I am important, therefore I get to stand up for myself and say no to you.
• I have dignity, value, and am deserving of respect, so I get to tell you how to treat me.
• I can choose to say yes or no, so you have to honor my decisions.

There are truths in these statements. Each human IS important. Each human DOES HAVE dignity, value, and is deserving of respect. Each human CAN choose yes or no. It’s the conclusions of these statements that are arrogant, prideful, and not in line with how God would have us conduct ourselves. 

In these statements, “I” and “you” are on opposing teams. Each human being is not on equal ground; I determine your place in my life because my needs matter more than yours. It’s me against you, it’s me setting a barrier away from you, depending on how much you are serving my needs or hindering me. I get to tell you what role you get to play in my life. I get to decide what needs you get to meet and how. 

It’s a self-centered approach and it makes me feel uneasy. Yet this recent weekend’s “coffee chat” made it dawn on me that this isn’t the only approach to boundaries.

First and foremost, when I consider how to have healthy boundaries, I need to filter it through scripture. If boundaries are really good, there has got to be a way to approach it that is not arrogant and self-centered but rather in line with the way of Jesus. Did Jesus have boundaries? Sure. But it wasn’t to protect himself or keep himself in high-status. Paul himself points out Jesus’s humility and calls us to do the same in Philippians:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
 And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:5-11

If Jesus set aside his “equality” with God, then I do not have the right to stand on my innate worth/value/dignity in order to set boundaries with others.

What I do have the right to stand on, though, is my humility.

From this angle, boundaries look like:

• I am a limited human being, therefore I am incapable of meeting your demands and must say no
• You are important, so it’s unfair for me to say “yes” in this space as I am unable to give you my best
• My needs are ultimately met in Christ, so I will not use you to meet my needs (by people-pleasing / overextending myself)
• Your needs are met in Christ, so I will not let you use me to meet your needs (by having unreasonable expectations on me)

I am not in charge of defending my value, dignity and worth. My boundaries don’t need to be “because I’m worth it.” I am worth it, for sure; but I believe God calls us to a higher standard of living, living in truth and humility.

Sometimes I do overextend myself in order to please others or make them happy. I don’t want to feel their disappointment (i.e. I want to look good in their eyes and win their approval). But this is living in a lie; I am making them believe I am more capable than I really am. It dishonors them and dishonors God because I’m not living in truth to my own abilities and limitations, making myself to be something greater than I really am.

Instead of correcting my behavior by making boundaries in the name of “treating myself with respect,” I can correct my behavior by humbly acknowledging my limits and choose to honor the other person by giving them the truth of what I can really handle or not.

Additionally, this approach to boundaries helps the other person live in truth as well. Perhaps they have unreasonable expectations on me. Perhaps they are trying to get their needs met from me. When I have boundaries within our relationship, it helps them also to live in the truth that they, too, can’t get all they need from another human being and need to learn to respect another person’s limits.

This whole concept is really just a change in mindset. In practice, boundaries can look the same. In motivation and perspective though, it’s different. One person sets boundaries because they elevate themselves above the other; I want to set boundaries because I see us on the same playing field and want to live in the truth of both our limitations.

After adopting this change in perspective, I no longer taste the negativity at the term boundaries. I find myself actually wanting to have clearly-defined boundaries within my relationships; it’s a way to honor that person, honor God, humbly acknowledge our limits, and live in truth.